I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
