every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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