There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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