Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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