im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
