life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
