She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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