so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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