U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
