Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
