im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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