So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
