PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
