He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
