You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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