I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize