if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
