I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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