i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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