Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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