I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
