Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
