cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
