miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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