...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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