I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
