Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
