yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
