My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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