I think I died a long time ago.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
it's great music for shaving your balls
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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