how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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