You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
