if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
