I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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