Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
