i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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