The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
