Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
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