Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
