I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
