Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
