Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
