I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
