Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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