Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize