im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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