Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
