I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
