I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
