I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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