So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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