I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
