Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Randomize
