I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
