Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
