i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
